HairCare Products!
by Yrouna
Summary: Kain and the lieutenants get a strange orange box. What's in it? Armor? Weapons? HAIRCARE PRODUCTS! first LoK fic. please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own LoK . All the characters and places mentioned in this story are NOT mine.

Hair-care Products!

Chapter 1: The day it arrived

A small bright orange wooden box with a big sign on it fell out of thin air and landed with a –PLONK!- on the pretty white front porch of the Sanctuary of the Clans. Two passing Dumahim vampires caught sight of it and sneaked over to it.

"Dude.. What do you make of it?" one of them asked the other vampire.

"Hey.. Looks like a weird bright pink box Rob." Dude replied.

"Uhh… Dude, you SURE it's pink? Looks like dark orange to me." Said Rob.

"I wonder what it is?"

"Hey look there's a sign on it. What does it say?"

"Uhh… okay let me read it."

'To Kain, Ruler of Nosgoth, and his six lieutenants. The package ordered from Middle Earth, given for free by the elves from Middle Earth as a gift. May you find it useful.' Rob read aloud.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dude asked hesitantly.

"I think it means we leave it."

"Okay."

So the two vampires left.

* * *

Much much MUCH later… A more intelligent vampire was on his way to a council in the Sanctuary of the Clans. Raziel saw the box and read the sign on it. 

'WEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL…. It IS partly for me…' he thought, and proceeded to step on the box to open it. When he couldn't open it, he thought 'Jeez… I guess I better bring it inside then.'

Raziel proceeded to carry the box until he reached the council room, where his father and brothers were currently conferencing about whether to allow or ban bunny slippers from the face of Nosgoth (bunny slippers aren't made for cloven feet…But Dumah loves wearing them though.)

"Hey daaaaddd…bros… I got something for us…"

Kain sat up immediately from his throne.. seat.. thing and said "It's here it's here it's herrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and jumped up and down.

Rahab yawned and scratched his fishy-sandaled feet. "What is it, dad?"

Grinning crazily, Kain lifted up the lid of the box ("Why didn't I think of that?" Raziel thought) and took out a bow and a quiver full of arrows.

"Weapons? How boring." Zephon said, and proceeded on chewing his anti-pregnancy pills.

"Yes, Zephon. Weapons. And all of you will come with me to the practice field to test out these arrows." Kain commanded.

Groaning, the brethren stood up and followed Kain to the archery practice field. As only one quiver and one bow were in the box they watched Kain as he took the bow and, placing the quiver string on his shoulder, took one arrow. As it was, the bottom fell off and out came a bottle and a piece of green leafy elven stationary. Surprised, Kain picked up the note and read aloud.

'Kain,

I know that you ordered a quiver with and endless supply of arrows, but I wanted to torment you, so I sent you a quiver with an infinite amount of hair care products. ' (At this Kain looked at the brethren horrified) 'Mind you, these are the best hair care products in Middle Earth and you should be thankful, as they will make your unruly gray hair beautiful. These are endorsed by yours truly, and I believe they would be of use to you.

Signed,

The prettiest elf ever

P.S. Don't expect a favor like this again."

Kain, with wide eyes, looked at the bottle that fell on the ground and picked it up. It was bright yellow, with a very familiar elf smiling in the label. In the middle, emblazoned in blood red letters, were the words "Legolas' One-application-only, Ultra-soft, Waterproof, Leave-on Conditioner" and below it in tiny red letters, "guarantees your hair waterproof and manageable for 700 years."

Kain fainted.

* * *

A/N: My first LoK fic. It sucks now, but I believe it gets better later. Trust me. Anyway, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review! And some of the ideas here are not mine but made by me and my friend Kildiazar the Unwanted Ghost while we were playing SR2. SO yeah. PLEASE REVIEW I BEG YOU...


	2. Kain's Big Mistake

Disclaimer: cooks Do I own it? REALLY! YAY! gets hand burned OUCH. Okay okay I don't. Happy?

Hair-Care Products

Chapter 2: Kain's Big Mistake

The brethren stared at their father… Stare… Stareeee…

Two hours later…

Stare…

Then out of the blue, Rahab, the sensible one, suggested "Hey guys… Look… My handy dandy… First aid book! It says here that to wake someone it is best to wet him or her with fifty drops of water!" Okay… So maybe he's not that sensible after all.

"Hey good idea!" Someone in coughcough purple said, so he fetched fifty drops of water (his measuring took another two hours) from the outside giant flush toilet and poured it directly over Kain's spread-eagled, face-down figure.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Kain started jumping around clutching his butt. "It burns it burns it burns!" Then he slipped on the Legolas' Leave-On Conditioner and fell on his butt. "OWWW I poked my butt with my claw!"

The brethren walked around, innocently whistling. When the screaming subsided, they risked a look at Kain. He was back in his dignified manner.

"I will KILL that Legolas. If only I could get to Middle Earth! Damn." Kain muttered.

"Dad, what's so bad about it? "Turel rummaged in his pocket for a spare cotton bud.

"BECAUSE I WANTED INSTANT KILL ARROWS! They were supposed to have poison tips which are fatal to humans but not to vampires. Then we vampires can still drink their blood afterwards. I meant it for the fledglings."

"Awww… How sweet!" Melkiah held his cute little human-teddy bear.

Kain shot a glare at him.

"Uhh… Dad? Why don't er…. You try those hair things?" Zephon scuffed his foot on the floor, thus leaving a claw mark.

"How many times have I told you, Zephon? NO scratching the floors!"

"Sorry."

"But, well, maybe I should try it." Kain said. Not caring about the Legolas' Leave On, he got the quiver and shook another bottle from it. This time it read:

Root Crop's Extreme Hold Hair Gel 3000

Will hold your hair in a desirable position for 1000 years.. GUARANTEED!

Not reading the rest of the print, Kain dumped a handful of hair gel to his hair. Then he arranged it in his usual ponytail. And then..

"AAAAHHH! MY HAIR!"

Five of the brethren rushed toward his screaming, flailing figure. Turel was too busy cleaning his ears to hear Kain.

"What is it dad?"

Kain's hair had turned rock hard. And when I say rock hard, I mean rock hard. It was so STIFF. He read the fine print on the hair gel bottle.

Stiffens your hair for one millennium.

Shock registered on Kain's face. Then anger (This is not pretty). Then…

"MY HAIR! MY beautiful beautiful silver hair! I brush it 100 times a day, and now THIS! I BAN THESE HORRIBLE THINGS FROM NOSGOTH! WAAAAAH!" Poor Kain sat on the floor and. Bawled.

In their mad rush to comfort their dad, the brethren led him out of the room to the pillars. They would comfort him with stories of King William the Nemesis.. er—Just. Ahh… those tales he told them. The brethren would tell it to him in return. Well, five of the brothers, at least.

Turel was humming with his eyes closed, cleaning his ears. The perfect time to be cleaning ears, don't you think? Turel suddenly stopped humming and opened his eyes. But that was only because the cotton bud got wedged in his ear. When he saw the room empty, he started running because he was afraid Kain might be angry at him for not trying to comfort him. And in the process of running, he slipped on the fateful magical quiver.

Turel gingerly picked it up…


End file.
